The SuperSpecial Stowaway
by SirenoftheStorm
Summary: Written for this week's challenge on the Broken Compass forum, "Mary Sue." Just some playful, snarky fun.


Written for this week's prompt on the Broken Compass forum, "Mary Sue." None of these characters are mine.

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"Gibbs, what does one do with a hysterical madwoman?"

Joshamee Gibbs slowly lowered his spyglass and turned to give his Captain a quizzical look.

"Dunno, sir. Stay away?"

"Yes, that's been me own lifelong policy as well; unfortunately the present circumstances don't permit that course of action," Jack said, clearing his throat and looking uncomfortable. "She's in me cabin, see."

"Wha'?" Gibbs looked thoroughly puzzled, as well he might.

"Just come with me, would you, mate? Maybe you can make sense of this…?" Jack looked at his first mate unhappily, a pleading look in his eyes.

"Sure," Gibbs shrugged and followed the captain to his cabin. When they opened the hatch, Gibbs was more than a little impressed to find a young girl lying in Jack's bed.

"How'd ya manage it? We're in the middle of a bloody ocean and ya find some lass and talk her into the sack with ya?" he wanted to know. Jack shook his head vehemently, his braids very nearly hitting his first mate in the face, and whispered his reply.

"I did not talk her into here! I'm trying to get her out! Help me!"

"I would spring to my feet and try to escape," the girl on the bed announced to no one in particular, "But I am so terribly dizzy and weak that I must watch, helpless, as dirty pirates leer at me and no doubt plot to commit terribly depraved and wicked sexual acts upon my innocent body!" Gibbs' mouth moved as he repeated this last part silently. _…plot to commit terribly depraved and wicked sexual acts upon…_

"We are-- I mean, we do?" he asked Jack, who shrugged.

"She's been quite insistent on that point. And unexpectedly detailed about what those acts might be, for someone who claims to be so innocent. There's apparently this thing you can do with a—" Jack broke off and shook his head, irritated at himself for getting distracted. "Anyway, the point is, she won't bloody _leave_."

"Oh, I would leave if I could," sighed the girl. "But alas, I am gravely injured and forced to stay in close proximity with this wretched pirate captain so that he can care for me in my sad state while all the while seducing m—"

"Belay that, would you? I'm not going to care for you!" Jack yelled at her. "No one is forcing you to be here! Get out!"

"But surely you would not want my death on your conscience, not such a young, innocent, lovely damsel in distress!"

"Death? What's wrong with 'er, then?" Gibbs whispered to Jack, who shook his head.

"She tries to eat me brain if I get within a few feet of 'er. You check." Cautiously, Gibbs sidled over to the girl and looked down at her.

"So wha's wrong with ya then, lass?" he asked her awkwardly. In response, the girl held out a hand. Gibbs looked at it.

"She's got a splinter in 'er finger," he announced.

"A grievous injury," the girl corrected him, glaring fiercely. "Which I was injured with while I was hiding in a barrel in the hold."

"She's a stowaway?" Gibbs asked the captain.

"So I gather."

"I love the sea," the girl sighed suddenly. "The sea was my destiny, and I could not resist her call. So I stowed away on a pirate ship, despite the fact that there were many other ships in the harbor and pirates are lecherous rogues who cannot be trusted!"

"Are ya beginning to see me problem here?" Jack asked his first mate plaintively. Gibbs nodded.

"So Miss… pardon, what's yer name?" he asked the stowaway.

"Marianna Sumara Sapphire Destiny Calypso Evangeline Jordan Annalise—"

"Miss, er, Mary Sue here," Gibbs quickly abbreviated, "Has placed herself in your cabin under the firm delusion that you give a bilgerat's arse about the tragic splinter she got when she stowed away aboard a pirate ship, not expectin' to find pirates aboard it?"

"… Katarina Sierra Brianne Isabel Gloria Christine…" Mary Sue continued.

"That's about the shape of it, yes," Jack replied.

"… Desiderata Cleopatra Melody Charlotte Aurora Olivia.."

"An' now she wants ta be ravished," the first mate finished.

"… Spirit Magenta Alexandra Diptheria Leukemia Blackbeard," the girl blurted out the last few words in a hurry, face slightly blue from lack of oxygen.

"Ya know, under normal circumstances, I'd hardly be averse to obligin' a willin' young lass, but… she keeps ravin' and tryin' to eat me brain… hold on, did you just say 'Blackbeard'?" Jack demanded, her words having sunk in a few moments later.

"Yes! I am the last living heir of Blackbeard!" Mary Sue announced proudly. "And I wear his legendary jewel of super-special enchanted magic-y magic around my neck. Look, sparkly!" She pulled a pendant on a gold chain out from under her shirt to show them.

"Blackbeard's legendary Jewel of Super-Special Enchanted Magic-y Magic!" Gibbs gasped, pointing at it with a shaking hand. "Containing the power to distort even the most coherent and creative of plot lines into meaningless garbage!"

"Oh, Mary Sue!" Jack cried, placing both hands to his heart and dropping to his knees on the cabin floor. "I suddenly feel compelled to confess my true, infinite, and completely out-of-character love for you! If you deny me, I will be heartbroken and my life will lose all meaning! I want nothing more than for you to sail the seas at my side as co-captain of the Black Pearl! In fact, I love you so much that I have been stricken by Romance-Inflicted Impotence and am unable to be unfaithful to you even if I wanted to, because my penis only answers to the siren song of your melodious voice!"

"Oh, Jack! Who would ever have imagined that deep down, you'd be such a romantic, gentlemanly, unpiratelike cheeseball? Truly, you have won my heart and soul!" Mary Sue replied, recovering from her tragic splinter injury from the sheer power of true love and leaping off the bed and into Jack's arms.

"The rest of the crew will totally support you in your decision to marry her and become a complete and total prat, sir!" Gibbs reassured them, beaming happily, eyes slightly glazed from the magic of the jewel.

"Excellent, Gibbs! Set a course for Atlantis immediately!" Gibbs paused.

"Didn't Atlantis sink under the—besides, I thought we were headin' to Trinidad to rob the merchant convoy!" he protested, the glazed look fading slightly. Mary Sue glared at him and shook the jewel.

"Work, you darned talisman, work!"

"Right you are, Captain and Co-Captain! I'll just go set that course so we can get on with the completely mythically and historically inaccurate adventures, shall I?" Gibbs saluted and then wandered off, stumbling slightly under the power of the enchanted magic-y magic.

"Atlantis it is, my beloved," Jack told Mary Sue, making googly eyes at her and snuggling her closer.

"What a coincidence, because I happen to be the heir to the sacred trust of the High Priestesses of Atlantis, who—" Jack silenced her with a kiss.

"Of course you are, my love. But now it is our wedding night and we must have lots and lots of sex!" Mary Sue's eyes lit up at his words.

"Oh, Jack, I'd love to!" They both began tearing off their clothes.

"You will note that I am wearing 20th century undergarments!"

"Of course you are, my love. I'm going to skip taking off my stockings or boots as that would break the flow of the constant kissing and groping that must occur as we undress!" Jack told her.

"That's all right," she reassured him with a radiant smile. "Nobody will notice. Oh, my!"

"Yes, you will note that my scars have mysteriously disappeared and my equiptment is so humongous it required a crane and a team of trained wardrobe professionals to get it into my pants! But don't worry, you'll still be able to deepthroat the whole thing effortlessly despite your maidenly inexperience during the seventy-two hours of foreplay we are about to engage in!"

"Oh, Jack, I feel so nauseous!" Mary Sue exclaimed the moment they had completed the sex act. "This means I'm pregnant!"

"All my secret dreams of fatherhood have been fulfilled!" Jack gasped, tears of joy running down his face. "I have no worries, regrets, fears, or doubts whatsoever regarding how we are going to raise our offspring on a pirate ship while having perilous adventures! He or she—"

"She," Mary Sue said. "It's always a she. Captain Jack Sparrow only begets female offspring!"

"—she, then, will grow up adventurous and freedom-loving, just like me!"

"Actually, the pregnancy will most likely end in a miscarriage if it turns out that a baby would interfere with the plot line," Mary Sue explained. "But don't worry, we'll have another!"

"Oh, my darling, your bravery in the face of tragic loss makes me love you even more. Promise that I will never lose you!" Jack begged her, practically swooning in adoration.

"Of course you won't! Despite the lack of medical professionals and the risks of 18th century childbirth, I will recover from labor within forty-five minutes and be back on deck, expertly wielding a sword, in no time. I love you, Jack!"


End file.
